Well I'm writing this in a much better mood than an hour ago. Long drives home have a tendency to put my thoughts back in order and get a hold of myself, maybe long traffic lines arn't so bad after all.
Today we went, all together, JM's mom, sister, little Loup, Kenji, Keo and I to visit Jean Marc at Paul Brousse. Everyone waited outside in the park gardens for JM and I to come out from the hospital. At this point, Jm is walking which is great. Able to go outside, take some fresh air- get out of the awful hospital room. We brought along a picnic. When JM and I arrived, out the doors, Kenji and Keo came running towards him. JM smiled, Kenji ran up hugged his Papa, Keo came along too with a a bit of unexpected cry...
Just when I think I've felt it all. Just when I think I am soooooo strong...it hits again, out of nowhere. I swear, I've put up shields around myself to battle these emotions that come on to fast and strong, I've learnt and am still learning exactly when to put up a shield up and where,-till today again, like a really hard punch when I so least expected it. There we were all together, and Keo has to run to his papa almost in tears.In what I expected was going to be a happy "Papa!!!!" was not that at all...The minutes that followed I stood there like a stone, unable to move in order to prevent the tears from running down my face. Instead I kept thinking, just cry out of your ears Gisa if you have to! This isn't the time, right here and now!!!
Moments passed, we all found a spot on the grass, JM in a chair. I can't even remember what we talked about, what was said. I totally did not have a grip on myself, if I moved an inch I would melt into a puddle of water. I just couldn't with all my might get over the fact that I didn't see this coming, that I didn't anticipate Kenji and Keo being sad? startled? suprised..? 20 or mintues after we all went for walk together, boys jumping around the garden, off park benches, JM and I and Sandrine walking along together not saying very much.
Our visit ended, boys said goodbye on a happier note, I walked JM back up to his room.He was extremely tired.
His status: He is doing ok, not great yet. See the doctor tomorrow again. I don't want to talk about details.
Overall JM shall hopefully be getting home soon. His liver is functioning well, it's other stuff that is keeping him behind. His mood was not great, expected...I tried to be in a "mood" but couldn’t find one to be in no matter how much I searched. I totally felt defeated tonight. I offered nothing to make him feel good, if anything I probably annoyed him with my silence. We were both a bit off and sadly...distant.
After we said goodbye I met Rosa and Sandrine downstairs with kids, they asked what was wrong with me...I couldn't even answer them, I just didn't know at all what the hell I was feeling. I tried to speak but knew that would only bring me to tears. I think it had to do with the children being around. I just had no f#:@$T%! idea that I would feel this way. An afternoon that I thought would be a bit of a "celebration" was anything but. I should have known that seeing JM with kids + emotions could trigger a volcanoe of feelings. Maybe it's just also that my boys understand a thing or two now...that they really comprehend the situation, papa leaving, mama visiting. They are not babies anymore really..
Drive home was tough, ..no chocolate bunnies in reach... Rosa and Sandrine were headed back to Bretigny (
Driving into
One phrase that always bring me back to the middle is what Andrea, my neighbor in Blacksburg has always told me..."this too shall pass" So with that: "these feeling too will pass" I know that this wave of emotion will go, that tomorrow will be a new day, that I will feel strong and confident again tomorrow, that I can better prepare myself for situations - or not, but at least know that we can't be prepared for everything and that in time these feelings will pass, that I won't always feel this way. Things will get better very soon. This is the toughest part, really in deep, got to keep swimming, take a deep breath and go.
goodnight, I miss my mama… I'm going to call her, nite...
7 comments:
Thinking of you all! Great big hugs for you all. Love, ginger
Mi querida Gisa querida,
sometimes we just need to accept our feelings instead of fighting them. You have been very strong, however I believe it is good to cry, to let out all those feelings...even in front of your kids. They need to know that you are also human, that it's OK to cry. I love you and miss you.
Bisouuuus.
Yes Gisa, Veronica says it so well. It's ok to cry, and that doesn't even mean you're loosing confidence, just that you are human. Sometimes those emotions do blindside us. You have been so optimistic, confident, positive from the beginning of this, and I know that's not changing. We love you all lots!
xoxoxoxo Lily
You have been through so much, too! Don't be hard on yourself- you also need some caring for. And you are right, the kids understand more than we realize. And tears don't mean you are not strong. A big hug to you!
Ah Gisa, que d'émotions!!!!!!
hé oui! ce sera après tout ça que tu digèreras petit à petit la terrible période que vous venez de passer.
Il vous faudra bcp de temps mais ça se fera.
Je suis contente que les enfants aient pu voir leur papa chéri.
bises, vanina
Love to you and the kids. Keep swimming!
I believe we are raising a new generation of boys, Gisa. We HAVE to teach them to cry. To feel feelings and find solutions and be kind and gentle and strong and confident. You are showing them the way with your beautiful emotions--ALL of them!!! Of course you will lose confidence and strength at times. And you're right, it will pass. But be easy on yourself in the meanwhile. Allow yourself the grace you would give someone else if they were down. Much love, S
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